There is something you should know about those who don’t belong here. The little girl who lived in The House with the Red Door knows all about what it means to not belong. She knows the secret you should know about others like her, too. She would tell you with her words but it’s imperative that she remains silent. Invisible children do not speak. Everyone knows that.
It could be said then, that the first thing you need do to know the important secret about those who do not belong is that you must listen. Once you hear the silence, you are ready for the next part, which is to simply watch them. That’s right, just watch.
If you observe a soul who does not belong closely enough, you will see that they divide their time evenly between failed attempts at disappearing completely and admirable efforts at perfection. After all, even kids know that people will take the most notice of your existence when you make a mistake of some sort. A mistake will get you notice every time. A mistake when you don’t belong there in the first place? Well, then you’re in real trouble.
The House with the Red Door: Make No Mistake
It was dinner time and the whole family was home. For the most part, all four family members seemed to be at ease. This was surely not always the case but today, the often-troubled family enjoyed a meal together. It was not often that Dad was home for meal time and it was even less often when he chose to join his family at the dinner table.
Sometimes Dad would be in a good mood and the kids could always tell because he would take good natured jabs at mom while she worked in the kitchen. The kids giggled uncontrollably when dad would wait until mom’s back was turned to toss a morsel of food to the family dogs. Both the dog’s hungry scarfing and the kid’s mischievous giggles would inevitably let mom know. She would try to scowl at her husband’s offense, but she could never resist the laughter of her children. It didn’t happen enough.
The young girl, sometimes referred to as sister or daughter in The House with the Red Door, was old enough to know that she did not belong there. She was permitted by an unspoken law to speak when spoken to. The young girl knew it was almost always acceptable to laugh when everyone was laughing, but that it was never okay to cry. To speak freely, to laugh and to shed tears were privileges meant for those who belonged. The daughter knew that knowing her place meant the difference between survival mode and true risk.
Dinner was complete and soon she would be free to escape. Slipping into childhood daydreams, she thought to herself that maybe she would play outside when she was done with the dishes. As she allowed her mind to wander to childlike worries, she wondered to herself whether she should play in her treehouse or see what the neighbor kids were up to.
As she began to clear the table, her family roamed in and out of the kitchen, tending to other matters. She took a bowl with a spoonful of stuffing in it from the table. Seeing that there was very little stuffing left, she spooned the food into the trashcan and continued to clean the kitchen. A short time later, her father came into the kitchen to throw something away. It was when her father opened the trash can and then looked at her, that she knew she would not be playing outside today.
In an instant, she watched her father become red-faced and enraged at the sight of the wasted food in the trash can. She tried with everything in her to disappear and to make sense of her father’s words at the same time. She didn’t understand what was happening as her father continued to scream while he fished the stuffing out of the trashcan and put it into a cereal bowl. Before she knew it, she was back at the dinner table, the bowl of stuffing and a spoon placed in front of her.
She hated herself for the tears that burned the back of her eyelids, threatening to show themselves on her face. Her sinuses burned as she fought even harder to not let the fear she felt for the next moments of her life, win. She spoke harsh words to herself silently, willing herself to keep the tears where he could not see them. Then he said it.
“Eat it. All of it.”
Terror washed over her as she struggled desperately to think of what would make this moment right again. Visions of her plans to go play outside with friends that she had made just minutes ago taunted her. How foolish she had been to concern herself with such nonsense. As she honored the unspoken laws of silence, muted emotion and complete compliance, she thought for sure there must be a logical solution to this. There was now trash and cigarette butts in the stuffing. Surely, he didn’t mean it.
But he did want her to eat that trash-covered stuffing. As she honored this demand, he reminded her to never, ever break the rule of wasting food again. As she choked down the now rancid food, tears began to stab at the back of her eyelids again. She had never been so relieved to see her father storm out of the house.
With her father gone, she found herself on the floor of the bathroom, staring at the toilet. Her mother was now at her side, so she knew that her father had indeed left. The young girl said nothing, but finally let her tears betray her by streaming down her face as her mother coached her through purging the contents of her stomach. As she sobs loudly and vomits, she is only vaguely aware of her mother’s attempts to comfort her.
Instead, she is twelve years old and every part of her is aware of how euphoric it felt each time she heaved into the toilet. After several minutes, her mother repeated to her that she was done, that all the trash had been purged from her stomach. She heard her mother’s words of concern, but the pain of the dry-heaves was a euphoria she had never experienced before.
The young girl never made it to the other side of the red door that night. Instead, she cried herself to sleep alone in her bedroom. Following the release of the purge in the bathroom and the tears she shed in the dark, she was cast into a sleep only the truly exhausted will ever know. She had let all her mistakes out. She could start again tomorrow. Surely, tomorrow would be better. She would be better. She would try harder.
Up Off the Mat 